Seriously, what am I doing?
Life after healing.
Thoughts on an identity crisis.
I’m figuring it out, I guess?
Lately, I’ve been struggling with knowing what to do with my life. Ok, to be honest, it’s been a lot longer than “lately” — probably about the past four years or so when I realized I didn’t want to be a doctor and save the world.
Let me back up. As a child, I knew I wanted to help people. In my young adult years, I spent a lot of my time helping my mother in the hospital, and I felt comforted there. I thought my calling was to be a CNA, and then go to school to be a nurse or a doctor.
After several medical missions trips, I decided I want to be a doctor, travel to foreign countries, and help as many people as possible. Delusional? Maybe. Aspirational? Definitely.
It was thrilling to have a plan, to know exactly what I wanted to do, and have people be proud of me for my goal. I had purpose, drive, the encouragement of other people, and an unwavering belief in the plan.
Then it all changed.
After working in the medical field for a decade, I decided I didn’t want to pursue that path any further. There were many reasons for that change that I won’t get into now, but realizing that was a huge awakening.
It’s been five years since I had said awakening, and I feel stagnant and confused. I’ve switched career paths and started a business, but I still feel unsure. I know what I’m good at, but I still don’t know *exactly* what I want to do with myself.
I miss feeling driven. There was comfort in knowing what the plan was for my life and feeling like I had a purpose. It was great to know everyone in my life supported my goals. Now, there is no plan.
I just hear Meryl Streep from Mama Mia echoing in my head, “God knows there is no plan!”
Same, Kevin, same.
The feeling of “drifting” permeates my every day. I feel like I’ve been floating about, letting things happen to me, and not taking action for myself. I keep thinking of a dead fish, belly up, floating around in the current, and it’s wasting away. (It’s a little graphic, but hopefully, you get the picture.)
To be fair, the past five years have been filled with stress, anxiety, clinical depression, and a whole slew of other problems. God bless my therapist; she has put up with so much from me, and I wouldn’t be here without her.
I’ve gone through healing. I’ve accepted my reality and gotten through my past hurts and traumas. My CPTSD (complex PTSD), anxiety, and depression scores are lower than ever. This isn’t to say all my mental health problems have gone away, but I now have healthy coping mechanisms, and I no longer let the trauma rule my life.
I feel exactly like Chris Traeger after he's accepted that he will die one day.
But now I’m feeling stuck. I’ve just been stagnant and unsure how to move forward. No one talks to you about what life after healing looks like. I don’t have a model to follow. There’s nary an influencer in sight who vlogs my plight. I have no self-help book or someone to relate to. The professional research all seems to be on HOW to heal, but nothing on AFTER healing.
It's so relatable it hurts.
This is all to say I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting around, waiting for the right idea or inspiration to strike. I’m tired of waiting for someone else to tell me what to do with my life. I’m tired of expecting the big “Yes!” moment. Or the proverbial knock on the door from Opportunity that feels like it will never come.
So, I’m just going to act. I’m going to commit to something and see how it feels. Imposter syndrome and I will hold hands and walk down the path of unsurety together.
Kinda…
Sorta…
The plan:
Yes, I just said I don’t have a plan, but I’m making one to hopefully find out what the next plan is.
Step 1: Make a plan
Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a plan from nothing and not have a goal in sight? It’s really hard, impossible even. So, I guess step 2 should be “Find a Goal.”
Step 2: Find a Goal
I start by thinking about what I want.
I want…. [Queue nothing. My brain literally comes up with nothing. It’s like an empty echo chamber in this room of “what I want”.]
Hello? Can anyone hear me?
Step 3: Cry and Backtrack to Step 1
Because I can think of literally nothing other than “make money to survive,” I decide to follow the age-old advice given to young children when they get lost: “Retrace your steps, and go back to where you started.” So, I go back to Step 1.
Step 1: Make a Plan. Step 1: Consult with Therapist
This is the part where I feel emotionally irrational and like a failure. I’m a grown woman, for crying out loud; I should know what I want to do with my life. Instead, I’ve wallowed in self-pity, ugly cried, and felt another identity crisis come along.
Luckily, I use a magical portal where I pay a wonderfully intelligent and wise woman to guide me through life. No, she’s not a sage witch in a forest, although I would love that. (If you know where one is, please send me her contact information. I would love to meet her.)
This woman is my therapist.
*Below is a dramatic retelling of my therapy session.
Me: I don’t know what I want to do with myself.
Therapist: Well, do you really know yourself?
Me: I guess, I’m not sure.
Therapist: I would start there. You haven’t been able to get to know who you are. You were a kid with trauma, a teenager with trauma, and an adult with trauma. You haven’t had time or space to be with yourself without needing unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive, so how can you know who you are and what you want?
Me: Wow, that makes a lot of sense. Okay, no big deal. I just have to figure out who I am. That should be easy…
Therapist: Make sure to give yourself grace, Bethany. It’s easy to be hard on yourself but harder to be compassionate to yourself. There are no expectations here. You get to decide who you are and what you want.
Me: Ok, the no pressure makes me feel more pressured. You realize that’s practically asking for a panic attack, right?
Therapist: Well, yes, if you decide to go back to your old coping mechanisms, then sure, but you know how to handle these sorts of stressors now. You’ve been doing it quite successfully. It’s comforting to go back to what you know.
Me: Touche. Ok, how do I go about getting to know myself?
Therapist: How would you get to know someone else? By spending time with them. So, spend time with yourself. Journaling is a good place to start. You could also take yourself on little dates. The goal is to get yourself thinking and experience new things, and then you’ll figure it out as you go.
“Oh, Ann. You beautiful, naïve, sophisticated newborn baby.”
The Revised Plan:
Step 1: Spend time with me. Step 2: Find a Goal
Step 1: Spend time with me. Step 2: Find a Goal
So, dear reader, I have an actionable step! By spending time with myself, I should be able to figure out who I am and what I want without putting pressure on myself. [sweats profusely] It’ll be fine!
My therapist has given me journal prompts to get my thoughts and creative juices flowing (ew, that sounded gross; I’m so sorry). The goal is to help me picture my future and figure out what I want.
However, I’ve noticed I tend to abandon projects/dreams/plans right before they are completed. It reminds me of Runaway Bride. Maggie Carpenter (played by the stunning Julia Roberts) has left every man she’s about to marry at the altar. I feel similarly regarding my career pursuits and interests.
I start something I’m super excited about and announce my plans. Everyone knows I’m trying something new, but right when push comes to shove, I abandon the poor groom at the altar while I run away on a horse or FedEx truck. It’s Embarrassment City, and I’m the mayor.
[announcer voice]. Everybody wave to ADHD, she’s been working really hard over there! [the tour tram pulls away]
Me trying to stay focused on one task at a time.
Ok, back to the plan. Because I have raging ADHD and the memory of a goldfish, I thought I needed something to help me stay consistent. I’ll be sharing some of my writing and goal planning here. I’m hoping that by documenting my “journey of self-discovery” [gag], I’ll actually commit to doing it instead of continuing to float around like that dead fish.
Yes, I roll my eyes at the “journey of self-discovery” in the movies and books. It feels cheesy and silly when the music swells, and the scenes change to show our Manic Pixie Dream Girl has finally realized what she wants. (I’m looking at you, Holly Golightly, and every Zooey Deschanel character).
So, I’ll also be working hard to change the stigma in my mind that figuring out who I am is silly. Lord knows it’s not going to be some magical movie moment. Healing from my trauma certainly wasn’t, so I shouldn’t expect this to be any different. However, there is no rule that says I can’t romanticize it a little bit.
Why am I like this? Why do I cringe at the same things I secretly hope for? Another thought for another time, or a researcher who is way more skilled than me.
If you need me, I’ll be daydreaming about the future, trying to remember to journal, and figuring out what to do with my life. It’ll be a piece of cake, right? [queue nervous laughter]
Until next time,
Bethany
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