Don’t Be Ross Geller
November Blog: Lessons on growth, change, and respect.
Content:
A short blog post reflecting on the ideals of youth and how they evolve.
The idea of growth is something I’ve been fascinated by for years. As a teenager, I understood that it was vital to continue learning and growing. It’s why I got a tree tattooed on my arm, my first, at the young age of 19. Trees always grow and change, and it was something I wanted to emanate in my own life.
“If you aren’t growing, you’re dead or worse than dead,” was something I heard at some point in my life. Couldn’t tell you who told me that, but it’s stuck with me.
In my youth, I was obsessed with getting older. I couldn’t wait until people would start “taking me seriously”. As the oldest daughter of four girls, taking care of my sisters while both my parents worked during the recession, I had to grow up very quickly while also working on my own school. I moved out at 17, and figured that would help me be taken more seriously. Nope.
I started working full-time as a CNA at the hospital, floating to every unit and helping nurses and physicians save lives in extreme situations. I would work 12-16 hour shifts, sacrificed my physical health for others, and dealt with the worst of humanity, and there were still people who treated me like a child. I couldn’t understand it.
Looking back at my younger self, I was very young, but I longed to be respected and understood. The missing ingredients were there already, I just didn’t know what they were called.
I didn’t know that I didn’t need everyone’s approval – didn’t give myself enough credit for the mentality I had, or understand that because you have a “grown-up job” does not automatically make you mature and responsible. It did in some people’s eyes, but not everyone. (Can you tell I struggled with people-pleasing?)
After ten years and leaving the medical field to pursue working in publishing, I still struggled with not knowing what to do with my life. I still struggled with not knowing who I was and worrying that I would never figure it out.
Who knew I would relate to King Theoden?
As I’ve grown into my extremely wise and all-knowing 30th year 😉, I’ve come to realize that 19 year old me was much wiser than I remember. She worked hard to take care of herself, provide for herself, and take care of her community. She travelled the world and spent time with friends and family. I can now say that, while she was young and had growing up to do, she was right.
The reminder that we NEVER stop growing, learning, and changing is ever present. I thought that I would hit this magic age and feel “grown up” that I would know what I was doing.
Imagine my surprise when I’m sitting at my in-law’s farm house for Thanksgiving, and my sixty-year-old father-in-law is joking with my thirty-five-year-old husband about being grown up. “So, have you found out that you never really feel like you’ve figured out what you’re doing? Because that’s how we feel! And most people don’t realize that most people never really feel like they know what they’re doing with their life. Most people never feel grown up until you wake up one day and realize, "I'm old!””
*queue the balloon deflating noise*
My lifelong dream of being a grownup has popped like a bubble, and my father-in-law has no idea how heavy his words will sit with me. It was affirmed that this thing I’ve been striving for is intangible.
So, I’m faced with an option. To grow and change this belief I’ve held, or to remain the same, and face the consequences.
“You thought the atom was the smallest thing in the world before you split that thing open!” Phoebe Buffay
It makes me think of that episode in FRIENDS where Phoebe is trying to convince Ross (worst character ever in my opinion) that she doesn’t believe in evolution. Ross is utterly unwilling to look at things with an understanding view of where his friend is coming from. His actions speak to how stubborn, demanding, and unempathetic he is. It shows his character and personality exceptionally well.
What I love, as someone who cannot stand this character, is that we see Phoebe spending the episode tricking him, and eventually getting him to admit that he may be wrong about evolution. And at the end, she turns the tables on him even more by calling him out for changing his beliefs and morals.
“How are you going to face the other science guys? How are you going to face yourself?”
(Watch the whole scene 👇 ).
She does to Ross exactly what he does to everyone else, and it fills my heart with glee.
All of this to say, it is evident in people’s lives when they are unwilling to change. Ross is an extreme example of most real, everyday people. However, I’m willing to bet we all know at least one person who has similar traits to the man who cannot admit he’s wrong so much so he gaslights the person he supposedly loves more than anyone else in the world.
Most of us can relate to how miserable it is when someone refuses to listen to what you have to say. Most of us can understand the fear that someone won’t take you seriously. Most of us can understand how uncomfortable it is to have a conversation with someone who can’t empathize with you. I don’t want to be like those people.
It may be very uncomfortable, but being willing to look, research, discuss, do the hard work, investigate for truth, and self reflection is vital. It will probably be hard, but hearing someone else’s take on something I’m firm in means that I am willing to see someone else’s point of view.
My encouragement to myself remains the same. Be willing to grow and change.
However, there are some more truths I will take with me.
True confidence does not come from the passing approval of others, but from the support from yourself and those who love you.
Your behavior is a reflection of your character, not the things you tell people you do.
Youth does not mean you’re less worthy of respect.
Until Next Time,
Bethany
Adventure Log
Chapter 3:
My husband recently made some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and asked me if I wanted some. From what I remember, I was not a fan of oatmeal cookies.
Due to complex PTSD and ADHD, my memory has holes in it at the best of times. So, in the spirit of trying new things, my husband has been encouraging me to try new food. He’s a great cook and baker. Meanwhile, I am definitely a foodie, and can’t bake things to save my life.
When he offered me some, I said, “Ew, no thanks.”
“When was the last time you had it? Come on, at least try!”
I conceded. Heaven forbid I be one of those people who doesn’t try things for no good reason!
I bravely bit into the beautiful cookie.
Dear reader, I’m here to tell you…
… I don’t like oatmeal cookies.
