The problem of progress blindness.
Oftentimes, I sincerely struggle with things I thought I had healed from. When hard things come, I feel like I’ve regressed significantly, and I often allow myself to believe the lie that nothing has changed.
There are days that I get nothing done and I doom scroll for far longer than I’m comfortable with admitting.
I have moments where I spiral so deeply out of control, I forget where I am and how to breathe.
It’s impossible for me to tell you how deeply these things impact my everyday life.
I think, “God, what happened, I was doing so well!” And then I’m beating myself up for going back to square one.
My inner monologue:
Except I’m not at square one. Just because I’ve healed some doesn’t mean I’m not still healing.
What I should be telling myself in response.
I have to think of it like this:
(Granted, my situation is not directly comparable to the below examples, but the meaning is still important.)
Bethany:
You wouldn’t tell a cancer patient whose cancer returned that the chemo they went through that put them through remission didn’t matter.
You wouldn’t scold a person who is learning to walk again after an accident that they’re a failure because they stumbled after taking a few steps.
How would you react if you watched someone sneer at a toddler learning to talk and they messed up when they started using bigger words?
So why do you talk to yourself this way?
It is unfair to myself and to those who helped me to say the healing I made and the steps I’ve taken forward don’t count or don’t matter just because I hit a bump in the road.
I can have improvement in my performance and still spiral when I’m anxious or upset or angry.
When I have very bad days of inactivity and hyperfocus on the wrong things, I can also have better mental health scores than before.
It doesn’t make me a better person for discounting my growth because I’m analyzing my downfalls more.
The times I’ve failed doesn’t outweigh the times I’ve succeeded.
Regression does not negate progress.
Read that again.
Regression does not negate progress.
I can’t let the lie of perfection belittle the work I’ve done.
Healing is not linear. I will have setbacks, I will still struggle.
I have to remember the strides I’ve made, so that when I inevitably do fail, I can tell myself the truth of how far I have come.
(Plus, the whole other side I’m struggling with is that I shouldn’t be talking about myself like this at all and that I should deny myself 100%, which makes this type of reflection so much harder.)
“Hey Siri, play Complicated by Avril Lavigne”
When I start to spiral and think I’m a failure, I’m not good enough, everything is back to how it was, and/or I’m a terrible person, I try to do several things:
Ground myself: breathing exercises, noticing the colors of the rainbow, walking through the five senses, etc.
Remind myself that what I’m feeling is not necessarily true
Recognize what I’m feeling and find out why I’m feeling it.
Remind myself what is different now vs. then.
Help myself setup safeguards so I can keep going, and when I do stumble again, I can more easily get back up.
Shout out to my therapist for telling me these things over and over and over and over again.
So, Dear Reader, my encouragement to you:
Take a break, remind yourself of the truth, and then keep going.
This world needs YOU. It needs your art, skills, personality, kindness, value, intelligence, and more. People who love you need and want you.
You matter and I’m grateful you’re here.
Love,
Bethany
